Friday, November 23, 2012
• The gift that keeps on giving. Added a few new ones this year. These never get old, enjoy!
Q: What's the difference between the beavers and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
Two osu football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the teacher wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled ‘E-I-E-I-O’."
Q: What has twenty legs and three teeth???
A: The first row at reser stadium
Did you hear the osu library burned down?
The saddest part was that half the books weren't colored in yet.
Q: What do you call a Beav with 1/2 a brain???
Mike Riley is only dressing 10 players for the osu game against Oregon.
The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.
Q: What are the best four years of a beaver grad's life?
A: Third grade
osu Computer Terminology:
Logon -- Makin' the wood stove hotter
Download -- Gettin' the farwood off the truck
Floppy disk -- What you get from carrying too much farwood
Hard Drive -- Gettin' yer pickup home from the bar
Windows -- What to shut when it's cold outside
Chip -- Vittles to eat when yer sitting in front of the TV
Modem -- Whatcha done to the hayfields
Dot Matrix -- Bubba Matrix's wife
Lap top -- Where the kittycat sleeps
Software -- Those dang plastic forks and spoons
Mouse -- The reason you put out the D-Con
Main frame -- The part that holds up the barn roof
Apple - whatcha' eat when you put your teeth in.
Mac - whatcha' eat when your special lady comes over.
Keyboard - where you hang your screwdriver that starts the Datsun.
Cpu - the pretty robot in star wars.
Monitor - that thingy on your ankle the sheriff makes you wear.
Megabyte - your favorite dinner sausage at 7-11
Q: What the difference between the beavs and Cheerios???
A:Cheerios usually end up in a bowl
The recent budget cuts have taken a serious toll at OSU
They have had to cut both drivers education and sexual education courses
When the campus mule died last week, there just wasn't enough money to replace her
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Corvallis?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
What do you call a beav with 2 brain cells???
If Chuck Norris coached the beavs, he'd roundhouse kick himself in the face.
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented at osu?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in North Dakota?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
Did you hear about the power outage in Corvallis?
30 people were stuck on the escalator for five hours.
What does the average Corvallis high school student get on their SAT?
Why did they raise the drinking age in Corvallis to 25?
They wanted to keep booze out of the high schools.
What's the most popular pickup line in Corvallis?
Did you hear that the President of OSU's mansion burned down over the weekend? Almost took the whole trailer park with it.
Mike Riley passes away, and God rewards him with a house in heaven. Mike doesn't want to be disrespectful, or ungrateful, but can't help but ask why he was given such a small home, but Chip Kelly has the huge mansion on the hill, decked out with everything Ducks...people laughing and having a great time there. God replied," Oh Mike, that's not Chip's house...that's my house."
Why don't OSU football players count sheep to fall asleep at night? They have other plans for their four legged friends.
I've always felt that being a Beaver prepares you for life. You learn not to expect too much.
What do you call a Beaver golfing with an IQ of 120?
What's the biggest lie told in Corvallis?
"I was just helping that sheep over the fence."
Why do Beaver football players only wear Levi 501 jeans?
Zippers make Sheep nervous.
Why is a tornado and a Beaver divorce similar?
You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!
What does a Beaver say to a Duck at MacDonald's?
"Do you want to Supersize that?"
An OSU student walked into a bar in Eugene and ordered two beers. After he paid for the beers he drank one and poured the other one all over his right hand. The bartender was curious to what he was doing so he asked him, and the OSU student replied "I'm trying to get my date drunk."
One day at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was greeting new comers. The first man was a brilliant engineer Boston College, so he and St. Peter talked about the great structures and buildings of the world. Next was a mathematician from Harvard, so they talked about the most complex mathmatical problems in the history of civilization. The third guy had an IQ of 78 and a six pack in his right hand and St. Peter says, "How 'bout them Beavs!"
What's orange & black and goes 100 mph?
A Beaver in a blender.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Corvallis?
God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
How do you make a OSU graduate leave your house?
Pay him for the pizza.
What's black and blue and goes tha-dump, tha-dump, tha-dump?
A Beaver in a dryer.
Why don't they raise chickens in Corvallis?
They plant the eggs too deep.
How do you keep a Beaver out of your front yard?
Put up some goalposts.
Why do OSU graduates put their diploma on the car dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap spots.
Why did OSU decide to put Astro-Turf in Reser Stadium?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
What do you get when you breed a OSU Beaver and a Groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad football.
What does a OSU woman tell her lover when she's done with sex?
"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
Posted by Mike Wines at 8:37 AM